The Keeper of Secrets

I recently thought, what am I? I loathe the use of the word psychic, and Sensitive just seems a bit vague, but I resonate with the phrase, ‘the keeper of secrets’, because that is what I do. I hold many secrets because I see everything from the good to the not so pleasant including thoughts and intents. It’s not my place to call people up on things, to interfere, or to judge. That’s what I have learned the hard way, for if people are going to make a mistake and learn from it, you cannot prevent them from learning their lessons no matter how painful.

Keeping secrets, especially ones that are truths that don’t wish to be heard is no easy task. I try and offer comfort or give out a subtle warning whenever I can, but I also know it will likely fall on deaf ears. Recently I had a vision that a close friend of mine was vulnerable and could be hurt. Sadly drugs and alcohol were involved, and as such there is little I could do when people choose that path. I’ve had visions of him before being harmed and they came to fruition, and the last time he was in a coma. I was ill with a cold when I had the brief glimpse and didn’t know whether it was my delirium or the medication that induced the vision, but it was so brief I couldn’t offer more than a vague warning of being careful. About two weeks later he sent me photos of himself with a cut on his head and black eyes. He had been attacked. He claimed he fell on some glass after an altercation, but I knew there was more to it. I also knew that he could have avoided the situation by backing away. Sometimes you can feel helpless, and having that knowledge doesn’t always help.

Another friend has breast cancer and had a biopsy around the same time of the above incident. I know she will be fine, but she is worried, and nothing I can say will help. She has had to take a week off work, and maybe she needs to put herself first and actually relax and allow herself to heal? I can’t tell her this because she likes to be the one to look after others, and isn’t used to being looked after. Maybe this is a lesson for her to learn how to accept help? Again, this is for her to learn and not for me to intervene except to offer support.

A good friend of mine got married recently, and even before the date was announced I knew I wouldn’t be attending. I know also that I will attend a wedding of hers, but I wasn’t needed at this one and I can hardly tell her any of this. It’s so very hard when someone is happy, but you know the relationship won’t last and you can’t say anything. I have learned it’s better to stay quiet and let them enjoy the relationship for what it is. You see, being able to see the future sometimes means you forget to enjoy being in the present and you need to learn to balance the two. Of course I maybe wrong and that the paths will alter, but I was right about her engagement prior to the marriage and he was a nice chap. When the time comes I will be there to support her again, but knowing what I do is hard at times when you can’t be open with your thoughts.

Do these secrets burden me? Honestly, sometimes they do especially when people ask me something and I have to remain quiet on the topic. It’s tempting to try and make everything perfect or as perfect as possible, and to sort things out, but the reality is that life isn’t about being perfect despite what the media says and what societal rules blindly dictate. Life and humanity isn’t about being perfect, but learning to deal with situations and how we react to them. That’s how we learn right from wrong, when our moral compass is challenged and when we create our own moral standards and boundaries.

As a keeper of many secrets, even those that others are unaware that I hold, I have a responsibility to keep them safe. It’s a difficult call knowing whether to use that information to help someone when they need it or not. I also at times get conflicted in what I know, and what I ought to do. In this way I too learn, and I choose to remain on the sidelines most of the time unless I feel an urge to proffer assistance. Sometimes aid is graciously accepted and other times it is declined through fear and a refusal to acknowledge things as they are. Often I just like to zone out. Even when I know things, I try to pretend I don’t so I can live in the present moment and let others decide their path without me influencing it too much.

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